In couples with discrepancy of emotional awareness, relationship quality declines. Men report feeling unconnected to their partner, and women tend to report relationship dissatisfaction.
There are a few main reasons people’s emotional needs go unmet. They didn’t discuss them when the relationship started, they are not aware of them, they don’t meet their partner’s needs, or they have gotten hostile about not having their needs met in the past. Here is a look at the most common reasons and how to deal with unmet needs.
You didn’t talk about needs at the beginning
The beginning of every relationship is very exciting. Weeks or months passed when you felt you had found your soulmate. Emotional needs weren’t on the table.
Most relationships go from passionate and exciting to “meh” in about a year and a half. In fact, around 70% of couples break up within the first year, and 22% of married couples break up in the first five.
The intoxication and excitement wear off, and you need to start putting in more effort. You have to start being consciously attentive to their needs. Many people are intentional about being attentive, but they express love in the ways they want their partner to express it. At this point, one or both partners start feeling like the relationship is one-sided and are left wondering what went wrong.
Communication patterns change. They used to text every day, but now it’s a text once every few days. They are always distracted by their phone when they used to be a good listener.
To be a better boyfriend or girlfriend:
· Acknowledge that you’ve almost never talked about your needs with each other.
· Ask them when they feel most connected to you and what they need from you to feel secure and safe.
· Listen carefully to what they say.
· Answer these questions for yourself, and be specific.
You don’t know what you need
Self-awareness is a rare trait, with just 10-15% of people meeting that criteria in 2024. Feeling unloved, neglected, or unimportant is how most people realize their emotional needs aren’t met. Consider what you’d like to see more of in your relationship. Ask yourself what needs these activities or actions meet. Most people have three core needs – safety, connection, and significance – and a longer list of actionable ones.
You got angry when they didn’t meet your needs
You were angry or hostile toward your partner for not meeting your needs in the past, and your partner isn’t motivated by negative reinforcement. Anger is particularly off-putting, with 20% of people ending a relationship because of their ex’s anger. Around 32% of respondents in a recent poll said they had a close relative or friend with anger issues, and 12% said they had problems controlling their own anger.
If you’re in this situation, it’s pretty tough because making a partner feel safe again takes work. Understand that the main person responsible for your needs, emotional or otherwise, is you. The best way to make it up to your partner is to be mindful of their own needs. Make requests of them instead of demands, and try to show them what would make you feel loved. Talk to them and work together to find ways of meeting your emotional needs as a couple.
Recap
· Acknowledge you haven’t talked about your needs
· Ask them when they feel most connected to you
· Consider what you’d like to see more of in your relationship
· Ask yourself what needs these activities or actions are meeting
· You are the main person responsible for meeting your needs
· Be mindful of your partner’s needs
· Make requests, not demands
